Y E A H , G R O O V Y .

i am afraid of the night.

2011-05-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

i am afraid of the night. but i'm even more afraid of the day. living in fear is a hard life. jumping every time the mail man drops the day's mail through the slot in your front door gets hard on the knees. letting out a scream for every cockroach in the kitchen can strain on your vocal cords.
dear big star, help me keep the demons away.

new years eve happened on new years day.

2011-01-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

humbuggary

2011-01-06T15:11:00.001-08:00

Earth and Ocean Sciences 111

2011-01-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

"Heat waves are silent killers that prey on old people."

d-mail.

2010-11-07T18:54:00.000-08:00

"Super coool lu just got back from a rollerblade it is plus 15 out quite bizzar it is. Say hello to Iz jeff chris and all the nice people you see on the street. Beautiful day to you all. My movember stash is looking pretty ugly. Dad"

bumheller, alberta

2010-11-07T09:26:00.001-08:00

ALBERTA FOUND CAMERA # 10000

2010-11-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

twin freaks, san francisco

2010-10-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

Come on over.

2010-10-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

how-to stalk.

2010-10-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

science experiment bong chillin

2010-10-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

a scandinavian friday

2010-09-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

last night i went to see the danish band efterklang play. this morning i spoke with my swedish friend marcus nyberg. he's a photographer/poet with a knack for rolling sushi. back in sweden we would drink coffees together and get lost in the woods in the middle of winter. he wrote this song and made this video. i miss my northern compadre.

dead by 8 pm and a pirate pack well deserved.

2010-08-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

michelle ford is more than just a friend, she is a kindred spirit. when she called me last week to ask if i wanted to climb a mountain sleep beside a glacier and summit a black turk* i said: duh.

*typ0hh.

DO THE DO

2010-08-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

in a lake on an island.

young adults grow up and act like kids.

they master the art of fun.

they quietly disturb the peace.

and practice how not to share.

they don't dive because they have to.
they dive because they want to.

if our life was a commercial we would all be drinking mountain dewdes.

i like my whole house.

2010-07-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

kittens inspired by kittens has been replaced:

Best Text Message From A New Friend (2:04 PM):

2010-07-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

"just had two bubble teas and am thinking about taking a bed break. what r u up to? this is louise i assume...?"

all by myself

2010-06-30T00:37:00.001-07:00

gigi come here already

2010-06-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

my least favorite thing about berlin right now is how gigi was supposed to be here 5 months ago. and now i have to wait another day. my favorite thing is tempelhof airport. hitlers old airport, it's been made into a park and it's really fun to run around on the old runway, the building is also insane.

whatever happend to june SMR RMX.

2010-06-28T04:59:00.000-07:00

i've been in berlin having way too much fun, today i had to face reality, eat a salad, and book a flight home. i will arrive on the 16th of july. here's a reverse time lapse of what i have been doing from this exact moment back to when chickens first discovered beer.

yo.

2010-06-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

layin' in my towel, so fresh, so clean. oh yeah.

today we went to italy for lunch. because i guess you can just do that when in france. it was fantastico and excellente and other good descriptor words with an "o" or an "e" added to the end. except italy is kind of a shit hole in comparison to france. as soon as we crossed the border it was overcast and what where moments earlier lush green tropical mountains became grey dry dusty desert mounds. and i'm not complaining but my pizza was just kind of whatever. like: i think i've had a better pizza at a chinese restaurant in peru. sorry italy.

anyways. seeing as this blog has kind of become a travel journal of sorts, i guess i can mention some other highlights of my past few days.

#1: this morning zoya declared she pooed out an apple sticker.

#2: i got a bikini wax the other day. usually when it's beach weather and i decide to go through with this daunting task i go to the cheap asian hair salon in the main street IGA strip mall. the possibility of running into a neighbor or acquaintance-friend while on my way to do this is just far too likely and for some silly reason makes me nervous. that added to the pain involved makes me want to get it over with as fast as possible. being in france i didn't have this pressure but somehow still felt awkward and rushed.

i went into the first salon i saw which happened to only offer this service with cocoa involved. i was skeptical at first, but the lady insisted that the cocoa actually alleviates the pain, so, seeing as i am in france and it is the parisian way, (la ti da), and that it would be way funnier than getting a regular wax, i got a chocolate bikini wax.

the thing about getting your bikini line waxed anywhere outside of north america is that there is far less taboo associated with this kind of thing. no duh. at home, regardless of where you go, fancy spa or cheap salon, they either tell you keep your underpants on or they give you weird disposable paper panties, they often dim the lights, sometimes light candles or incense and usually play weird meditative ocean sounds. in europe and in south america they tell you to strip naked under florescent lighting and it's more than likely that there won't be a door attached to the frame separating you from the ladies getting their nails manicured.

this particular salon/spa thing/place did however have the luxury of a slidy door that closed. upon which was mounted a full length mirror. so while laying down with my legs spread i was able to watch this young esthetician lather hot brown chocolate wax around my vagina and then rip it off. it was a bit of a weird thing. what wasn't weird, what was actually really nice, was how soft and smooth the cocoa actually felt. it totally didn't hurt. at all. cool! right? yeah! awesome!

my vagina waxer was keen to chat. my french is not very good but we managed to discuss the weather in canada, how amazing cocoa is, nudie small talk, etc. for some reason, at the end of all of this, while my feet were up in the air and she practically had her head up my butt she decided it was a good time to introduce herself. her name is "oppna".

i am not sure if that was a highlight or even a story for that matter. i really don't know if it is deserving of such a lengthy description. but it's just a thing that happened.

and now a thing that will happen is that i will go read my book. because it's late but i'm not quite tired enough to fall asleep. also it is summer and summer is for reading books. that's what they teach you when you are a kid and then you become a teenager and start getting drunk and forget about it. then you get older and start getting really bad hangovers and remember it again. yay for summer.

time flies.

2010-06-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

sleep next to yourself and wake up alone and make coffee. while it's brewing rinse out the sole mug that lives on your countertop and if you are in the mood (although you are probably not) poor a little shot of milk from the mini milk carton (the type of milk carton that you could buy in elementary school for 25 cents at lunch break) sitting in your mini fridge into your fresh cuppa joe. sip joe by the window which is hopefully overlooking something of interest at this early hour of the morn. know better than to expect anything too exciting. inside your head hold a dialogue between the garbage men as they empty the rows and rows of bins below.

Garbage man #1 Ready?

Garbage man #2 Ready.

Garbage man #1 Okay: one, two, three...

Garbage man #2 Lift!!!

wake up two weeks later in a black room. unsure of where you are. breathing comes from the other side of your bed. the breath sounds familiar. it sounds like your own breathing. the news is on the television. it's more about the oil spill. it's not morning yet, you were napping. it's late. it was a late night nap. recognize the body beside you when you look around and see your sisters reflection in the mirror on the other side of the bed. think about how jet lag must be contagious.

remember you are in paris when you look over and see a bottle of wine sitting on the table, half empty, uncorked. notice that someone is in the shower, only because you suddenly don't hear water running anymore. watch as the light coming from the crack under the bathroom door flickers as wet feet step out of the tub to towel off. squint your eyes while the closed bathroom door becomes an open bathroom door and while your eyes adjust hear your father's voice say: "hello beautiful girl! how was your snooze?"

wake up a few days later after a night of restless sleep. not alone. next to your sister. relieved and comfortable. open the blinds and see the alps. notice from the way the soles of your feet feel as you walk over to climb back in bed that you have been walking a lot lately. notice from the way your body feels as you curl back up into a (not-so) little ball that you have been indulging far too much in sweet french delicacies.

sit in bed, while the news plays: oil. etc. again. same sister sleeps beside you. a different hotel room. a different destination. this time nice. "nice is nice". wonder how many times that has been repeated by how many different people within a 500 meter radius in the last 12 hours. and then how many idiots laughed.

forget about what you are doing and why you are typing and start to day dream about laying on the beach tomorrow. feel your eyes get heavy and your fingers go limp. muster up enough strength to "save as draft", put computer to sleep, find the remote control, turn those day dreams into night dreams.

it's not as long as it looks.

2010-05-25T01:14:00.000-07:00

I’m not wearing socks. These boots are old and it feels a bit wrong. It’s going to get real hot in a couple of hours and my feet will be sweating and it will be gross. But right now it’s only 6 in the morning and the air coming in through the window is still cool. I couldn’t sleep last night. Or the night before. The night before it was because I slept in too late on Sunday morning. But last night I couldn’t sleep because I was hungry. Didn’t have time for dinner last night, forgot to buy groceries. I don’t have much in my cupboard. I guess I could have made some popcorn, but I was not really in the mood when my stomach woke me up around 4 am. Now I’m waiting to go to the grocery store. I think I will buy a banana and some kind of yogurt drink. I went through a three-year period where I hated yogurt but now that I’m a women I need to eat it. It’s important for many reasons. And I know calcium is a good thing for you. Although I’m not really sure how much we need to be consuming. Probably a lot less than they tell you.

HAH! I just decided to do a Google search on: the reality of calcium. And found it helps with sleeping disorders. IRONY ROCKS! The article is telling me that vegetable based calcium is best because it can be absorbed without causing constipation, that caffeine depletes the body of calcium, and that life is not worth living if you are in a wheel chair. Harsh reality dudettes. I also just found out if you are a lady you are supposed to get between 1000 mg to 1200 mg of calcium a day. I just checked my multi-vitamin and turns out I get 12% of that. So. What. Now.

The thing is, I don’t really like milk or very many milk products. Ew one of the articles just referred to milk as “liquid meat”. Barf.

I could have sworn those Got Milk ads were just marketing scams, celebrity propaganda against the burgeoning soymilk crazes of the late 90s’. And nowadays they tell you that something like 90% of the soymilk you buy in the supermarket is genetically modified. So what are we supposed to be doing? It’s all very confusing. One day you are 7 years old and not allowed to leave the dinner table because you have not finished your cup of milk, and the next you are 16, working at starbucks mixing up a million no-foam extra-hot sugar-free vanilla soy lattes for an endless line of yoga moms. Pretty soon your are gonna be one of those yoga moms (or not) and suddenly the calcium you drink becomes the calcium your new born fetus drinks.

It's been widely accepted for a while now that the food pyramid is a scam. SO GODDAMMIT! WHO HAS THE ANSWERS!!!

Here are some internet based conclusions I have come to:

-> In order to absorb calcium you need magnesium. This can be found in nuts, oats, lentils, potatoes, chickpeas!
-> Milk does not have as much magnesium as soymilk.
-> Non-organic soy products are made with zillions of pesticides. Duh!
-> Organic soy products have a large amount of natural toxins in them and over-consumption of soy is dangerous and can actually cause mineral deficiencies. According to a bunch of scientists soy products contain a lot of phytic acids which actually prevent your body from absorbing minerals like calcium and magnesium. Apparently when consumed with meat, the mineral-blocking effects of phytates are reduced, which is why Japanese diets include small amounts of soy (miso, tofu) alongside meat and/or fish.
-> There is a shit ton of estrogen in soymilk and a couple reports say that instead of feeding your babies soy products you may as well just slip four or five birth control pills into their mushy pea slime.
-> “BIG BONED is healthier” is a myth. The Japanese, on average, have the longest life expectancy in the world.
-> Milk is gross, and human beings are the only animals who consume dairy products after being weaned off their mothers breastmilk.
-> Over consumption of dairy products is probably what causes lactose intolerances.
-> Over the past years more people have reportedly developed food intolerances to Soy products.
-> You can find calcium in dark leafy greens. Eat bok choy, kale, and broccoli.
-> You can also find calcium in beans, and small boned fish.
-> If you drank 4 liters of milk this will happen. (but I actually already knew that thanks to my friend Taryn who tested this theory out in grade 7 in order to get out of writing a math quiz).

Now its much later than it was when i started this and my feet are getting hot.I am no scientist and I had no intentions of this blog entry turning into a research project but these things happen sometimes. Now I’m going to put on some socks and go get some groceries. Later skaters.

stockholm subways and suburban she-wolves

2010-05-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

the subway in stockholm costs 5 dollars a ride, you best turn it into a nightclub.

or at least make sure you are riding it to some kind of shakira dance party.

*v ***ancou***ver ****

2010-05-20T05:09:00.001-07:00

i've been away from home for a while. it seems like long enough. but i'm not quite ready to leave. i'm missing things i didn't realize i would: the awkward good-mornings with the girl at the coffee shop, a mutual agreement to never introduce ourselves, the comfort of knowing she will always be there. the coffee will always be hot. somehow it's not the same here, it could be that i'm a known foreigner who is certain to disappear sooner than later, it could be that i avoid eye contact when i try to speak this impossible language. and sometimes the coffee is lukewarm. i miss familiar strangers. and i miss the proximity of friends.

i miss eating like a family, i miss eating with my family, i miss giving my leftovers to my dog. (i miss looking like my dog.)

there are certain smells you can't get anywhere but in vancouver. like getting off the bus at commercial and broadway or walking through chinatown before you've had breakfast. waking up on third beach when the tide is getting high. riding your bike through stanley park just before it's going to rain. the smell of the ocean and the blossoms at the same time in the spring time.

still, there are things i will surely miss here. so i will try to appreciate them for these remaining 5 days. i'll miss Domkyrkan* staring back at me each morning through the window. (reminding me of my fate). and the midnight sun! it's fast approaching. you barely have to stay out late to feel like you have conquered the night. days are long and nights are light and you feel like you might live forever.

but i miss waking up to the mountains. i miss waking up in the mountains. i'm not homesick i'm just happy to know where home is.

*Domkyrkan translated: Church of Doom

mama magma.

2010-04-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

i've hated volcanoes ever since i watched dantes peak in 1997 and now i hate them even more.

my flight has been cancelled to berlin. it's not the end of the world. i will reschedule. and i really can't complain considering i am going there purely for pleasure. but pleasure i have been denied for far too long my friends and pleasure i need. spring has sprung in sweden but it still feels grey. it still looks grey. it still is grey. on top of that this is the THIRD flight this year that i have missed. and no, this is not some kind of cosmic sign that i may risk facing death if i board another airplane, it's merely a combination of poor planning, alarm clock malfunctions and the worst airline company to exist of all time: ryanair. (hiss).

on the topic of death and airplanes: today my friend told me that her aunt and uncle never fly on the same airplane for fear that both of them may die, leaving their two children parentless. while this theory MAY have an inkling of cryptic reason behind it when they are going on a trip just the two of them, what i don't get is the logic behind what they do on family vacations: mom+childA on one plane and dad+childB on the other.

are they just assuming death every time they board a plane? is it like the last supper every night before they go on vacation?

"Wow Dad I can't wait until Florida!"

"Sure son, I mean IF we get there."

"Oh mom! You made Lasagna! My favorite!"

"Well dear, we're flying to Winnepeg tomorrow so this may very well be the last meal you ever eat."

and who decides who rides with whom?

i cannot imagine that being a comfortable conversation in any household.

at least i'm not stuck in the airport doing this.

no one can pronounce your name.

2010-04-18T02:34:00.000-07:00

dear volcano, please please please don't make me miss my flight on wednesday.

du ar en katt.

2010-04-13T01:26:00.000-07:00

hello.

2010-04-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

i think i might be least productive procrastinator to ever exist. instead of cleaning my house or finding funny videos on the internet, i take naps and re-read my old blog posts. boring right.

i also get french men to shave my head and practice various "unhappy looks" in photobooth.

(disgusted)

(annoyed and slightly offended)

(sad with low self-esteem)

here's a slice of croatian pie for all you sunset loving freaks:

2010-04-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

FOR ADVANCED PALETTES ONLY!

2010-04-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

Love always, Dad.

2010-04-02T23:32:00.000-07:00

alanis morissette:

2010-04-01T05:10:00.001-07:00

there are notepads free for the taking littering every university building in this little town. after stuffing as many as i could possibly fit into my dirty beige canvas bag i came home to rifle through my old word documents out of pure nostalgic narcissism. only to stumble across an old word document created 07/12/09 at 6:48 AM:

04/01/2010

2010-04-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

it's april fools and i'm wondering how many "OMG. I'M PREGNANT!" text messages you've received?

i'm trying to think if i have ever pulled off a legitimate april fools joke in my life and i'm pretty ashamed to say no, never. ever. pathetic.

nor have i ever been properly duped. except MAYBE that one time when my brother stuffed mine and my younger sisters shoes with toilet paper. tricking us into thinking, for a split second, when putting our shoes on to go to elementary school that morning, that our feet had suddenly doubled in size. slightly confused but quick to react, we simultaneously checked the insides our shoes, from which we both extracted at least half a roll of toilet paper, at which point my mom (in her less-sweet-but-still-unbearably-cute-I-AM-ANGRY voice) informed my brother he had used up his toilet paper privileges for the next three days and better remember to do all his poos at school. so i guess the joke was on that little guy. happy MOTHER f***ing april fools dudes.

body wants, body needs.

2010-04-01T02:02:00.001-07:00

if you wake up with a headache does it mean you are dehydrated or addicted to coffee?

(are those the same thing?)

life on mars frozen over.

2010-03-31T11:58:00.001-07:00

i listen to this song on repeat.

i go for walks.

i eat chocolate with my coffee.

i drink cheap port with my little danish friend.

i miss flights to paris and pretend to be french instead.

i read critical dissertations on the eurovision song contest.

i daydream about laying in bed.

i see a lot of gray.

i'll tweet you tyra banks.

2010-03-31T11:28:00.001-07:00

DEAR Tyra!! Between telling cookie monster that the secret to smiling with your eyes was to think about cookies and then to think about selling a magazine cover you left out: think about barfing up cookies. What kind of sick and twisted message are you sending to the future minds and bodies of the fashion world? Are you trying to breed overweight supermodels? Hello!!!

P.S. I don't think Elmo likes you.

there are just too many birds in this town.

2010-03-17T04:30:00.001-07:00

*

2010-03-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

maya?

JUMP YOUR BONES!

2010-03-04T00:34:00.000-08:00

AM I GAY?

(as in, homosexual.)

this is a question i have been asked a lot in the last year.

i thought i might be when, in grade five, i had a dream i took my lady teacher out on a date and then a week later piotr burek* wouldn't ask me to be his girlfriend after recess because brett stevensen said: NO DUDE, DON'T ASK LUCY OUT. SHE'S GAY.

(how did he know what I had been dreaming?)

but the answer my friends, is no. no dad, no neighbor, no girl on ecstasy that thinks i have pretty eyes.

just because i have short hair and i wear an oversized man sweater from time to time doesn't make me a lesbian. but whatever, if i was a lesbian, i wouldn't be keeping it a secret. i would probably have a sweet babe of a girlfriend and we would probably cut our hair the same and start a folk band and sing each other love ballads on stage in front of a sold out crowd at whatever the big outdoor stadium is called in the city you live in. and we would be all: THIS ONE IS FOR YOU EMILY DICKINSON.

BUT IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE somehow i unknowingly ended up joining the only gay NATION** at my university in sweden. and last night i ended up at the first official gay dance party of the year. (this was a big deal, i guess). and somehow i managed to get a handsome dude's phone number. that, is like, totally not gay, brah.

-----------------------------------------

*coincidently in high school piotr burek came out of the closet.

**NATION: a sort of community centre/fraternity (minus the pledging)/club-house type of organization that you have to join when you go to Lund University and Uppsala University in Sweden. it's like being in Harry Potter with cheap beers, fine vegetarian cuisine and late night movie screenings.

prison wouldn't be so bad if you were a buddhist:

2010-02-27T03:01:00.000-08:00

woke up with a pulse pounding on my cerebellum. there's just no way it's mine, except that it is. and by the sounds of it i've grown old. i went to the opera and found out i was blind. i went to the optometrist and found out that the only possible explanation for such a rapid decrease in farsightedness can be because I STUDY TOO HARD. ("Unfortunately Ms. Lynch, I Think You Have Been Studying Too Hard.")

hangovers aren't hangovers if you remembered to drink water, but you didn't, so now you're hooped. i'm going to go to Russia and and break the news to Dostoevsky about Michael Jackson.

"Lastly, I am bored, and I never do anything. And writing things down actually seems like work. They say work makes man kind and honest. Well there's a chance, at any rate."

7 minutes in heaven.

2010-02-23T12:22:00.001-08:00

after about 7 minutes of smell testing all the cheapest brands of laundry detergent in the grocery store i finally settled on ALOE VERA. it will be nice for when i have to put t-shirts on my sunburnt shoulders in the summertime. if anyone is missing me it's because i'm missing them, osmosis. osmisses.u'smissi's.i'smissu's. it's natural. DON'T FIGHT IT!

now plug in your computer to some really loud speakers and turn them on full blast and listen to this video and pretend you are on a boat in the frozen baltic on your way to latvia in a cabin with no windows and try to fall asleep.

you would have loved it.

2010-02-22T14:59:00.001-08:00

all the birds got confused and flew north for the winter.

2010-02-22T05:25:00.000-08:00

my friend Brooke

2010-02-21T01:18:00.000-08:00

i don't want to die tonight

2010-02-10T02:26:00.000-08:00

i'm taking a cruise ship to latvia tonight. there's a karaoke bar onboard. i hope i don't get all drunk off duty free vodka and do something stupid like sing "my way". that shit'll kill ya.

dear fair trade coffee:

2010-02-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

just because you were a fair trade doesn't mean you don't still keep me up at night.

times are hard when you don't have a job and you go to school one day a week.

2010-02-01T11:37:00.001-08:00

i have been waiting for the right time to buy nutella and then today i got my period (congratulations, you're off the hook!!!), so i went to the store and bought some. now i'm eating it off a spoon and thinking about what life would be like if i had a toaster and also some toast.

i saw that movie The Road tonight with my new swedish friend Mia. the end was kind of awkward, both in the movie and on my friend date. it was comparable to saying goodbye at the end of a first date in junior high school and knowing that you really want to see the person again but not being able to tell if the other person ever wants to see you again. actually who am i kidding? i never went on any dates in junior high school. i had friends that did!

i guess i mean high school.

so it was like the end of a first date in high school, where you are dead sober and you are getting dropped off and all you want is for them to ask you if you could save them a seat in biology class tomorrow because they know you always get to class before them because you have math and its just down the hall in room 101 and they are coming all the way from french which is out in the portables. so they roll up to your house and you get out your breath mints and you sort of lean in towards them, but then they don't even put the car into park and then you hear that noise that the power lock button makes, only its because they're unlocking the doors. and they say something like: "well i had a really great time. see you tomorrow." so your confused because they're being nice ("and then he said he had 'a REALLY GREAT time'. ") but they don't seem to be feeling your vibes on the breath mint/lean in/kiss routine. so you reach for the door handle and you're getting out of the car and then they say: "oh and do you think i could get like 5 bucks for gas? i'm running on empty and you live, like, soooo, oohhh, far north". so you are assuming that they don't want to "see you" again. but you just don't know.

anyways it could very well just be a cultural thing, that whole swedish stereotype where they don't show very much emotion, because she did walk me home to my front door, and she did tell me the name of the party she is going to go to on friday night...

so i think i will call her. in maybe three days. is that the right amount of days? would two days be too soon? maybe i'll wait four, because by then it will be friday, and then maybe i can ask her for the address to the party.

shit. making friends is so scary. whatever happened to having my mom call your mom and all four of us meeting up at the swing set for an hour or two and then maybe exchanging a couple stella ella olas just you and me?

inspired by cookies inspired by kittens.

2010-01-31T02:48:00.000-08:00

this kids still got it, don't you forget it. two thousand and ten.

i love her.

2010-01-29T07:25:00.000-08:00

hey aiden, are we having a good time?

2010-01-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

last night i went out and had a good time. today i am sitting in my bed watching the internet happen. later i will go to the grocery and get a bag of candy.

en ol

2010-01-28T08:27:00.001-08:00

while shopping at the beer store earlier today i couldn't help but wonder what was going on back home at that exact moment. but then i thought a little bit harder, did some very simple math, and realized that it was 5 am over on the west coast and that if you are not sleeping in your bed then you are likely past out on your couch in front of your computer screen while youtube rifles though related videos you may, but probably don't, want to watch. and now, two and a half hours later while i am sipping on a can of KUNG STARKOL, you are sipping on pressed coffee grounds out of a warm welcoming mug, or maybe licking the drool off your cheeks and rolling over into some warm welcoming arms. either way it is early morning and either way i wish you a good one.
morning comes here, but it doesn't last long.
so here is to perpetual night time, and here is to the KUNG of beers, here is to my dinner burning on the stove while i write this, and here is to what i think will be a good night.

be careful out there!

2010-01-27T00:45:00.001-08:00

my blog has become very boring. i don't know if it's the cold weather or what, but there seems to be a general lack of inspiration over here in sweden. it's bleak, blanche, nuit, night, always night, and when it's day it's not really day. it's broken speakers and white noise on your great aunts television screen on a friday night at a family reunion on the other side of the country when you are 13 years old. or something more profound or at least a little more lyrical. on the other hand, at night the sky is purple and i wear turtlenecks now. i also have alot of weird dreams. see you all there.

Japp bar: similar to a mars bar, slightly more racist.

2010-01-21T01:38:00.000-08:00

ladies and gentlemen we are floating in ikea.

2010-01-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

i got a plant. i was scared that i would forget. or that i would put it off until may or something. but i went out and got one. i call it sideshow bob:

my fridge doesn't work so i'm going to eat my entire cucumber for dinner. i'm also finally going to see avatar. my 2010 dreams have almost all come true.

it's snowy and cold here. i got frostbite on my fingers today. everyone rides bikes and girls ride bikes in high heels. some boys might too, but i am yet to see one. i'm going to get a bike and then i'm going to get some high heels.

also when they say hi it sounds like "HEH SON!" or "HEH HEH!"

oh yah, and in the morning everywhere in the entire city smells like cinnamon buns. take that UBC!

jerk jerk

2010-01-13T08:10:00.000-08:00

i'm leaving today at 3 pm. whoop whoop. get me out.
although calgary has been fun. i went 2 DUB @ DA PUB last nite at da drumnnmonkeeee. and got so drunk that my saigon y2k salad rolls from lunch time ended up on the pavement!!! OH MY JAH!!!
i've added 2 things to my 2010 to-do-list:
-stop getting so drunk
-stop being so dramatic

they go hand in hand. (e.g. "I'M TOO DRUNK I CAN'T WALK CARRY ME HOME" "Lucy you can walk just put one foot in front of the other" "MY FEET ARE BROKEN AND MY LEGS ARE NUMB" etc. etc.)

two nights ago my friend and i were driving down 10th avenue at around midnight. some lady jumped out in front of the car as if she was trying to get herself run over. we drove away quickly, cursing her unholy soul. this morning we were driving and heard that a lady of the same description has escaped from an old folks home, she suffers from dimensia, and if anyone sees her to please contact authorities.

WE ARE ASSHOLES.

I NEED SOME COFFEE AND AN AIRPLANE RIDE TO ANOTHER LAND!

from revy to home depot

2010-01-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

i'm in calgary now. at my dad's house. he has gone to work but wrote down bus instructions so that i can meet him downtown when he is finished for the day and we will go to mountain equipment co-op and maybe avatar too. he has also left me the perfect amount of change so i can ride the bus. he must have taken it out of one of his many change vessels sitting around the house. there are jars everywhere filled with pocket change here. for christmas three years ago he gave my siblings and i his change collection from the past 15 years. we counted change for 2 hours and we each (there are four of us) ended up with about a hundred dollars in toonies, loonies, quarters and dimes. then we went to the bar for some highballs.

he has stocked the freezer with ice cream sandwiches and the fridge is full of cheese and beer. he sort of reminds me of a muppet character.

expect a lot more blogging.

2010-01-08T00:39:00.000-08:00

i just completed leg 2 of my journey out of this country. i am now in revelstoke laying on my sisters couch waiting until i am tired enough to fall asleep. i got a bit sleepy at the end of the drive, but then i put on atlantic city really loud and now i don't know if i will be able to fall asleep ever again. ever. it's really comfy this couch, it's the one we had in our basement for the second half of my youth. i don't know how my sister ended up with it, but she also got the old tv and some nice dressers. not fair mom, not fair.

tomorrow we are going to go skiing, my sisters are competing in a big mountain contest. it began today and they both did really well. this one got 2nd and this one got 5th. (it's good because the former is older so there is no tension in the house). i'm really excited to watch them tomorrow. they are pretty much mini celebrities in this town so i will bring a pink sharpie pen to the hill in case anyone wants my autograph.

my older sister started this freeskiing program for kids here. it's really cool because they didn't have one before. she is really awesome. and her house is kept so neat and tidy. my younger sister is mostly just a ski bunny, but she also works a few days a week helping out a dude with FAS. shit, they're both about ten thousand times better at being a human being than i am.

i really love this little town and think maybe one day when i choose a husband we can come carve our own nest out of one of the big trees by the river. i will crochet all of our blankets and socks and we will harvest our own fruits. at the end of the summer we will can the remainder of the peaches so we can enjoy them as snacks on the top of the mountains in the winter time. it's small here so i think that during the fall we will go on trips so we don't get too bored.

here are my sweet babes of sisters being the cutest darn things in the world.

i hope this doesn't make me famous...

2010-01-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

while packing up my life for a little trip away i stumbled across this old diary entry from when i was eight.

my parents must have been stoked to find out i am not autistic.

it's 2010 and i have a gigantic crush on kurt vile

2010-01-02T13:29:00.001-08:00

how soon is too soon to escape. i hate to be that guy, but as the talking heads once said, "this is definitely not the place". there are too many sharp corners inside my apartment. they are everywhere and they hurt. my forehead especially. there just doesn't seem to be enough time to sand them all down before i leave. oh if i could ask myself one thing, it would be that i stop offering acquaintances my father's tax services. good bye sushi, i'll miss you the most. but i'll be back, if not in six months, then perhaps we will meet at the bottom of the ocean.

happy news years ass holes.

2010-01-01T23:46:00.000-08:00

i have compiled a list of things to do in 2010.

-swear more

-go see avatar in 3D

-read the news

-be less of a slut/seriously consider celibacy

-sleep less

-drink more water

-help my friends drink more water

-trust no one

happy last days of 2009

2009-12-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

i just got home last night from 4 days of family holiday cheer. i came back with a few things.

my brother has been practicing the guitar a lot so while wrapping presents on christmas eve we wrote a few tracks that we plan on recording for next year:

"THE DEVIL WAS BORN ON DECEMBER 25th"

"THE LYNCH FAMILY CHRISTMAS HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR"

and

"JESUS GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER"

every year santa/my mom goes to winners to stock up on goodies to put inside our christmas stockings. you always end up with really FUNKY colored socks. sometimes you end up with nice shampoos and creams. and sometimes you end up with Christina Aguilera Bubble Bath, and All Natural Fat Reducer Lotion.

i also came home from the holidays with a

BIG

HUGE

HANGOVER.

and i will forever smell like campfire.

ahhh the sweet life.

all the single ladies:

2009-12-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

when i was younger my little sister, our neighbor anna, and i would bring kitchen utensils into the bathtub where we would host a cooking show. we made all kinds of things: shaving cream pot pie, shampoo and conditioner casserole, bubble bath sundaes.

two summers ago i was busted for eating real chocolate chip cookies in the bathtub.

i've never been able to live it down.

i hope we can all put this behind us. i bet you ten bucks freud would.

thank you and happy holidays.

yes no

2009-12-17T20:18:00.001-08:00

a blog is a blog is a blog is a blog is a blog is a blog

Idle Hands

2009-12-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if you’ve ever accidentally combed a strangers hair with your fingers while you are serving them dinner, but I have. It was an accident, I swear. I don't know what was worse, the actual feeling of his hair gliding through my fingers or having to go back to the table and apologize to him and his girlfriend, and hearing: "Sorry for combing my fingers through your hair" come out of my mouth.

I was dealing with a Christmas party hangover. It just sort of happened. Yesterday I spent the entire day laying in bed listening to meditation podcasts trying to heal my poor little mind, body and soul. The night before was our staff party. OPEN BAR. It felt like I was the poster child for AD/HD in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I remember sake bottles and chardonnay and tequila shots... it tasted like an ever-flowing cauldron of home-brew poison. It also tasted like the lips of the new kitchen staff.

I can’t remember much but I know at some point the new sous chef asked me:

“So you’re queer right?”

I told her:

“I don't know! I’m kind of whatever!” (what?)

She kissed me and someone walked in. I wish I could remember who.

can anyone help me?

2009-12-09T18:48:00.001-08:00

**********

sitting

2009-12-06T22:48:00.000-08:00

if you sit for too long you run the risk of losing your legs.

5 friends, 1 cup

2009-12-03T13:07:00.001-08:00

hannahs bed: once youre in youre in

and youre never getting out.

not without a fight that is.

a goosefeather gang bang and a magnum of cheap wine later

and you will never feel the same way

about your own bed again.

my life as a sixteen year old boy

2009-12-02T00:20:00.000-08:00

i ran into a friend at school this evening who happens to be a red bull girl. she gave me a red bull and i sat and drank it in the library while researching pornography for a paper that i am writing.

i will never understand how these two images ended up on my desktop at the end of the day:

online study buddy

2009-12-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

just so you all know:

2009-12-01T14:06:00.001-08:00

it's

december

prepare to get your heart pierced by peppermint spears and watch out for the gingerbread monster. you'll break your teeth on those stale gumdrops, i swear.

if you are feeling like you can't quite get into the holiday spirit you can ask mish for a little pick-me-up.

also, have some of this:
*********************************************************************************************
************************************************************************ (<--- holiday cheer)

HEY MAN! let's not do this:

2009-11-28T12:24:00.001-08:00

last night

2009-11-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

cracking joints, smoking jokes, getting stoned

--->leaving home ---> being weird

going home!

curling up, sleeping well, waking up

--->feeling good?

rube is cube

2009-11-25T21:51:00.000-08:00

my favorite part about public washrooms (next to the unlimited supply of toilet paper) is reading all the stupid graffiti that people write on the walls. after having some french guys psychoanalytic hoo-hah rammed into my brain in a late night critical theory class, i sat down on the toilet in one of the ladies washroom stalls at UBC and read:

"TOY STORY 2 WAS OK"

with an arrow next to it that pointed to:

"disagree"

and then later i accidently stole a rubik cube from salvation army and went to mayas to listen to wonderwall while we both tried to solve it.

my best friend

2009-11-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

mushrooms rule! (psychedelic font experiments)

2009-11-20T13:27:00.001-08:00

oh no. the heat's all fixed but i'm still shivering. if i could only manage to find a single pair of socks without holes in them. if only. i can't wait to be in a place with nothing to do and everything to see. soon soon soon i will be gone. and it will be nice. and i will do all the things i do here, but i will be there.

i wish i could do all the things i did then, there, here, now.

when i was growing up we had no cable.

--oh life was so hard back then, walking uphill both ways no matter where you were going, taking baths with siblings in order to preserve water and getting buzz cuts from my dad in the summertime so he could save spending the $5.95 at the mastercuts in the mall near by--

watching television consisted of two back-to-back episodes of Degrassi after school from monday to friday. on sunday night after returning from a weekend in the mountains we would all squeeze onto the couch while my mom knelt on the carpet folding laundry for six and my dad made his sunday night dinner speciality, nachos, which we would all enjoy with an obligatory glass of milk and a CBC screening of the latest Road to Avonlea, followed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

----> ----> ----> ----> now you really know!!!

"Pro tip: People who wear backpacks on the bus suck!"

2009-11-19T10:00:00.001-08:00

Someone dropped this note into my backpack while I was riding the bus the other day:

AN ODE TO SLICKITY JIMS: a belated response to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--_X57obO30

2009-11-16T00:54:00.001-08:00

driving down main street, past the remnants of you, the rain on my eyelids is flooding my vision. poor old slickity, you have burnt to the ground. all those bug-eyed dolls hanging on your walls are crispier than the bacon you oh so steadfastly sizzle every single morning. what are we supposed to do? how do you expect us to eat an omelette if it hasn't been properly pan-fried with verbose vernacular? are we supposed to eat simple eggs like simple folk with regular toast and plastic jam from miniature plastic jam containers! who will i ever tip toe through the tulips with again and what's going to happen to mes reves d'etre une petite carnard!!! what about all the angsty teen queens who planned on raging revolutions on stomachs full of free range eggs!! really, what!! i hate to think that every breakfast from now on is truely going to be a breakfast of broken dreams. there will be no more of us getting fresh with kc dilla and the sunshine salsa band into the late hours of the afternoon. that's done. breakfast is over. forever. breakfast is done. deader than honeyman, melted like butter.

fashion blog

2009-11-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

because i'm really into fashion stuff i thought i would style blog myself:

*pls note the heat in my apartment is broken. props go out to me for using my green blanket as a scarf right!

do not cry over spilt milk.

2009-11-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

as a recreational photographer i sometimes find myself sitting at home on rainy sunday afternoons ruminating profound queries such as: lucy, what are your top three favorite pictures from your summer trip to new york city?

and then i blog them:

sunday afternoon cabin fever

2009-11-15T13:47:00.000-08:00

i'm going on a spirit quest and i
would like for you to join me.
it doesn't rain above the clouds!
we won't need much to survive,
just a hand full of jelly beans
and a sac of water in case we get thirsty!
P L S R S V P A S A P!

"dereeeeschious"

2009-11-15T12:47:00.000-08:00

haunted by a terrible case of fomo*

2009-11-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

uh oh i fell face first into a mouthful of graffiti slang early early saturday morning!

*fear of missing out

dear anyone:

2009-11-10T22:35:00.000-08:00

if you are lonely, you are not alone. so forget about it and drink a whiskey and curl up in bed and watch online television or stare blankly at your ceiling with the light off and think about when you were young and you couldn't wait to grow up.

at home, thinkin' 'bout stuff

2009-11-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

when i was eight(ish) my godmother's dog had puppies.

naturally, as any faithful godmother would do, she allowed me to name one of them.

i named it "lulu" ----> after myself!!!

eventually her parents (my great-godparents...??) adopted the puppy and lulu's name changed to "penny" ----> after the lowest form of currency possible. :(

:( :(

i think penny got hit by a car a few years ago.

(i'm still alive.)

"home" you say.

2009-11-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

listening to new lovers brush their teeth together is like dipping your toes into a warm bucket of honey after dancing around on pluto barefoot. hearing two mouths full of toothpaste giggling in the bathroom when you walk in the door after a long flight home from an orange pekoe and blue carpet overdose will never get old.

hello bed, goodnight!

thank you real dad:

2009-10-30T16:43:00.001-07:00

just got an e-mail from my father. haven't made contact with each other in about three weeks. he seems pretty excited about the halloween festivities. he sent me some pictures. he's the cute little green guy. i hope they help you find halloween inspiration or something.

WWDD: WHAT WOULD the DEAN DO?

2009-10-30T10:24:00.001-07:00

i took my coffee to the UBC bathroom and spiked it with leftover whiskey from our study session last night. because it's crown royal it feels 'okay'. if it were jameson it would feel 'right'. but i can settle for mediocre at 10:30 in the morning.

does anyone else think it's funny that daylight savings is on halloween? thank you demon gods. that extra hour of party is fine by me.

a thank you note that you will likely never read.

2009-10-30T00:27:00.001-07:00

dear Michel (<-- maya's dad):

thanks for suggesting we take shots of vodka to help us write our papers. it didn't help, but drinking whiskey and tea sure does make for a smooth transition from sitting at the kitchen table staring a blank word document to curling up in bed and watching online television.

also, thanks for letting me live under your roof for the month of october. it's tough times being a single white middle class homeless girl.

when you live in a real home you forget what it means to be lonely. another 'thank you' for that overdue reminder.

and kudos on that spaghetti sauce tonight. would have preferred if those noodles weren't of the linguini variety, but i won't hold it against you.

keep it real surrogate dad.

love always, your deputy daughter (<--me)

things were okay for a while.

2009-10-29T13:26:00.001-07:00

is falling down the stairs one of the symptoms for that pig flu? because if so, i have it. i hurt my hand. spilt tea everywhere. (split peas everywhere). haven't fallen down the stairs in a long time. sometimes i fall up the stairs. but only when my shoes are too big.

60 % of the time my shoes are too big, 25% of the time they are too small, 15 % of the time they fit just right.

what is your shoe fit to non-fit to fit-just-right ratio?

i want to go back to seattle. i wish i was there right now!!!

i would be just fine transporting back 4 months in time. i would also like to teleport the finished product of this paper i am in the process of writing back in time to yesterday so that instead of writing it right now i could be watching chucky movies. because i know what i want.

no money for food, leah munches on her upper lip.

i like going to seattle because the internet connection is like a thousand times faster.

photoshoot to launch ian's modeling career. first we had to figure out how to hide that birthmark.

i bet you ten dollars you can't PRONUNCIATE "procrastinate"

2009-10-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

"Atlantic City" by Springsteen is # 1 on the Top 25 Most Played list on my Itunes.

"Touch by Body" by Mariah Carey is # 8.

the only thing more terrifying than the last twelve minutes of SUSPIRIA are the first ninety-two

2009-10-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

blackout tired

2009-10-27T17:47:00.001-07:00

i slept at my friends house last night instead of taking the bus back into exile.

we got home late and her roommate was asleep.

this morning at 8 am as i was leaving the house, the roommate came out of her bedroom in time to see me walking towards the back door.

i looked tough in my black tuque.

she was very confused:

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!"

good morning to you too.

my bladder says "NO"

2009-10-27T13:29:00.001-07:00

there are brain grinds in my coffee! and i'm starting to sweat. this old french stuff is leaking out of my pores. why can't the weather be more reflective of my mood? what color would the sky be if it had guzzled 7 liters of coffee? what color are my tears gonna be after i fail this exam.

hello i hate

2009-10-27T11:36:00.001-07:00

my foot is blue. it's tingling. i should not have sat on it for so long. i woke up with my head inside my t-shirt. it was too cold to keep it in the open air. now my neck hurts. ow. ow. ow.

if i ate two pieces of toast every morning for the rest of my life how many grains of wheat would i kill?

simple mathematics, so simple! oh life is so simple! it's so silly!

every thing is alive. except for me!!!

i swear i'm not boring. i'm just bored. (unless they are the same thing. then i am both.)